Something was wrong! 

I couldn't function properly! 

My anxiety took the joy out of my life! 

If you met me during my worst battles with anxiety, you wouldn’t have known I was struggling. What’s the word I use? High-functioning? Type A? Hardworking?

On the outside, I looked like someone who had their shit together. 

On the inside, I was miserable and spiraling.

To put it frankly, I felt awful. Getting myself to school, work, soccer practice, to hang out with friends, EVERYTHING, was a chore. I wasn't happy. Physically, I was in the worst shape of my life. I was an avid athlete but felt like I was running in mud anytime I was on the field. Off the field, I couldn't focus in class. I ran to the bathroom every five minutes with nausea and the fear of getting sick. Everything I ate upset my stomach. I got lightheaded walking through the halls and took breaks if I stood for too long. I constantly shook and shivered or fanned myself in class because I couldn’t regulate my body temperature. One of my biggest insecurities was my sweaty hands.

The worst was the constant exhaustion. I came home from school and felt like a failure because I was too tired to do anything. My poor parents must have been frustrated with me when I couldn't move off the couch or get out of bed in the morning to help them with basic chores.

I was mad. I  never felt this bad. I was doing everything I wanted, but doing it felt SO hard and almost unmanageable.

But I never stopped. 

My anxiety wouldn’t let me.

And I wouldn’t let anyone notice my symptoms.

I lived in a continuous cycle of physical issues that made my life harder, feeling behind (which gave me more anxiety), and then pushing myself harder to make up for lost time and effort. It’s like a marathon runner pushing themselves to get over the finish line but collapsing as soon as they finish the race.

I had an excuse for everything. I took several AP and honors classes. My GPA was above a 4.0. I was accepted into college. I was a starter on the soccer team. I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I blamed being lightheaded on being a fainter when I was younger. I told people I got my sweating from my dad. I blamed my exhaustion on my menstrual cycle that returned every two weeks (which at the time was undiagnosed endometriosis). 

It was easy for me to disguise my struggles. I was always the dependable Sarah outwardly showing calm and “success”.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system in my family who helped me figure out how I could feel better and get back to where I was. But despite seeing doctor after doctor I was left with no answers and frustrated tears.

One day my gynecologist asked me how my mental health was. I didn’t have an answer. So I scheduled a therapy appointment.

Discovering I was struggling with anxiety took years. I didn't know anything about mental health. I didn’t think anxiety or poor mental health could be the problem.  I didn’t feel worthy of help since so many others’ struggles with anxiety were so much worse. 

I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. 

Hearing others’ stories gave me the courage to finally evaluate what was making me feel the most anxiety.

I now feel like I know enough about myself to control my anxiety.

I believe that you can too.